What a way to begin a blog, with the letters "RIP" in the title. Today September 22 was suppose to be my Grandpa's birthday. He died last year on March 11, 2008; a dark day....very dark. Darker that i could ever have imagined. He was a man that I loved, but was cheated out of the chance to really know him. Growing up with "family" who did not wish to speak with you was a hard burden..espeically since i blamed myself. I will never forget that day. My First Communion. I was excited beyond belief knowing that I was doing something that my entire family was going to be there for, and for once, be proud of me. PROUD. May 5, 1995 I was only 8 years old and wanted so much to be loved by my family. I wanted them to smile at the sight of me, i didn't want them to be ashamed of me...... I remember May 5, 1995 like it was only today. I remember my parents yelling about some things that I will not mention here, but i remember being confused. But like a good child i asked nothing and just smiled innocently as the banter carried on. FINALLY i got to get dressed in my beautiful white communion dress. God i LOVED that dress, and i knew my family was going to love it too. I was so excited to have my grandparents there with me. I even made little signs with their names sitting right next to my parents I....i was so excited. I remember getting in line at the church and peaking in to sneak in a smile to my family....i noticed that some people were not there. My dad's parents..... I was confused and shook it off thinking, "well maybe they will be late..." I entered the church and saw tears in my mothers eyes, i smiled at her happily. Little did I know that this was only the beginning of 12 long years of not seeing my grandparents.....i adored them. I wanted to badly to be loved and accepted by THEM just like my other cousins seemed to be. After the communion my parents took me aside to tell me that they loved me but my grandparents were not coming. I remember seeing the despair in my fathers eyes as he looked down at me. He knew how badly I wanted my family there...he knew the love that i was looking for that only THEY could fill......What could my parents have done? Nothing. At the reception i ate very little, staring at the door hoping and praying that THEY would come in and tell me that they loved me.....it didnt happen. I was crushed. I felt so abandoned and alone. Yes i had the rest of my family, but not the two people that I needed to be there. They left me. I blamed myself for years, and i, to this day carry this pain and resentment inside of me. If i couldnt be loved by own family, how could anyone else love me? Who else was going to leave me? Who else would think that I was not good enough? For a young child i was very much aware of questions such as these...and i wanted answers.
I would ask for them occasionally, and would cry at the very sight of any picture of them. Especially around the holidays. No pain that i had measured to the pain my father had though. I saw it in his eyes, and even now, on days like today i see that pain. He loved his father, but was cheated out on special time with him. Time that he will never get back. We LUCKILY spoke to them again before my Grandfather died last year. I had all of about two years with him...not enough time to make up anything. That is another day i remember march 12, 2006....Seeing them for the first time in so many years. We were at the funeral home that I unknowingly at the time was going to be saying good-bye two years later to my grandfather. "God they look so old...especially Vovo..." I remember thinking to myself. But i held my ground. I was NOT going to go to them....My uncles and cousins tried to persuade me and i said no every time. It hurt to even be in the same ROOM, how could I go talk to them? Nope, not going to happen! Then my father, a man who i would die for, came to the room where my cousins and uncles were pushing me. My father turned to his brother and said "i will go see ma and dad if my daughter comes with me..." I SAW the desperation in his eyes as he looked at me, then at his mother and father. How could i say no? I couldnt. I sighed and nodded and walked into the quiet room. i stood close by father fighting back tears. my father then said "Hi Ma...Hi Dad" Tears filled my eyes but i was not going to cry in front of them....NO WAY. They looked at my father in shock and then looked over at me. I saw the pain in their eyes, especially my grandpa. I knew then and there that he was sorry. Tears fell down his beautiful blue eyes and said, "My Manda.....my angel face." I hadnt heard him say that to me since i was a child and missed it so much. My heart broke as he cried looking up at me, waiting for a hug or anything from me. I bit my lip and knelt down and hugged him. His whole body shook under me as my grandmother rubbed my back saying "manda, manda.." I was so sad that i had lost all of these years, but i knew, now that i had them back...i was never letting go. Especially my Vovo....I knew how sad he was that day....i will never forget his adorable face that looks a lot like mine. I loved him...and i knew then that he loved me......
The day before he died i sat next to him. He had his eyes closed and was totally out of it. I knew i was going to lose this man that i JUST got back. I was JUST starting to get to KNOW him....how could God take him away already? It wasnt fair! And I was ANGRY. I was alone in his room not wanting to leave his side and he opened his blue eyes and looked at me. I jumped at the touch of his fragile hand on mine. He gripped my hand not letting go, I asked him what it was he needed to say. He could NOT look away from me and I saw tears falling down his face as he held on to my hand, and i cried along with him placing my head on his chest. He touched my head and kissed me. "I love you Manda...and please forgive me.." i looked up at him and nodded he then pointed to the ceiling which i knew he was talking about Heaven. He was letting me know that he was always going to be with me...and i know he is. I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss this man that i hardly got to know. and YES i am still angry...YES i cry for him, i cried for him a lot today.....even right now as i finally write the way i feel...looking for an outlet to get all of this out. a place where no one can judge me.
So I thank you for reading all of this. But NOW maybe you see why I am the way I am. I live my life with a lot of love, I have lost so much. Not only my grandpa, but my best friend, my uncle joey. It will be his 10 month anniversary of his death......that will be a long blog that day. Yes we all lose the ones we love, but i was suppose to be the "strong" one. I was the one that my family looked to for support as they grieved, I need my turn too.
I will end this blog on a positive note: love those who are with you NOW. Do not wait until tomorrow to settle that fight, or to tell someone you love them. Do it and say it NOW while you still can.....We live our lives one day at a time, do not let a moment pass without realizing that. REALIZE that anyone can be taken away at any point in time...we do not get to decide, it is a mystery. Its our mystery of life.....so PLEASE live your life with love and smiles. I do, every single day, and i will not stop doing just that....EVER.
happy birthday vovo, i love you and i do forgive you.....
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