without you...10 months....Sept 25, 2009

"God saw you getting tired

And a cure was not to be

So He put His arms around you

And whispered 'Come with Me.'

With tearful eyes

We watched you suffer

And saw you fade away

Although we loved you dearly

We could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating

Hard working hands at rest

God broke our hearts to prove

He only takes the best.

It's lonesome here without you

We miss you more each day

Life doesn't seem the same

Since you've gone away.

When days are sad and lonely

And everything goes wrong

We seem to hear you whisper

'Cheer up and carry on.'

Each time we see your picture

You seem to smile and say

'Don't cry, I'm in God's keeping

We'll meet again someday.'".....

Well I would like to say that this is going to be a "happy" blog, but i would be lying.  First of all I would like to address the picture i attached to this blog.  That is me sitting behind my Uncle Joeys gravestone last May.  This was the first time I had seen the stone; and needless to say, seeing the name of my uncle engraved on the stone was a shock.  Seeing it made it even MORE official. This picture was taken by my mom on her phone.  My family let me be there to talk to my Tio Joey in private.  I was going through a lot of personal things and I usually turned to him, but he wasnt here anymore.  I sat and prayed to him, asking him for some sort of sign that he could hear me, and that he was with me.  I had felt him around me, but at this time i felt nothing.  I was at this stand still and nothing good was happening, the more bad and negative things happened in my life, the more i was depressed. I remember not seeing any sort of sign and feeling totally crushed.  My heart sank when my mom tapped my shoulder and told me that it was time to go.  Leaving his was the worst, i kissed my hand and knelt down and touched the grass.  As i walked away, i couldnt help but look back and recall the day of his funeral.  I remember arriving there and hearing bagpipes and watching the men in my family, my father included who was my Tio Joey's best friend.  It was heart wrenching.  My mind flashed back to that, i could see everything.  I could see the red roses, I could see my grandparents sitting beside the coffin grief stricken, i remember the faces of my Tio Joey's wife whom he adored, and i remember the faces of his children....Brittany, his daughter, hugging me tight saying that she wanted her daddy back.  I held her close as my two older cousins Bobby and Adrian surrounded us hugging us both.  Bobby Adrian and I had a tight bond because of our Tio Joey.  He always wanted us to LOVE each other no matter what.  He use to take the three of us camping every single year since we were kids, all of the inside jokes, all of the laughs, all of the "sweaty hugs", were all just memories to us now....

I shook myself out of this flashback and got into the car and drove away.  When i arrived at home my mom told me that she sent this picture of me talking to the stone to my blackberry, i opened the attachment and emailed it to myself.  When i opened it, i noticed something on my RIGHT arm.  It looked like some sort of butterfly.  I tried my hardest to come up with some logical explanation, but i was failing miserably. I called my mother over and asked her to look at the picture.  She instantly pointed out the butterfly and said that she did not remember seeing that on my arm when she took it.  I knew that if there WAS a butterfly on me, i would have felt it....i realized that this was a SIGN from him.  I wanted to share this story with people because it is near and dear to my heart.  I have that picture printed and it sits next to my bed to remind me that if i EVER feel alone, my Uncle Joey is with me.......I will always miss him, time may help, but it will never take away all of the pain that i have.  I Love You Tio Joey <3

Now i am also going to share this note that i made on facebook the night before the funeral..:

R.I.P TIO JOEY

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 Sunday, November 30, 2008 at 11:52pm | Edit Note | Delete

As many as you know on 11.25, 2008 I lost my Uncle Joey. i am sitting here in a hotel room counting down the minutes until i have to say farewell to my Tio Joey. I can't sleep thinking about it. I get knots in my stomach every time i think about it. i realize how short life is and how sicknesses has no mercy for anyone in this world. rich, poor, fat, skinny; it dosent matter. I believe that when we are born, we have our life already written, none of us can escape it. Seeing the looks on the faces of those who were at my Uncle's wake, i saw so much sadness and grief; and Lord knows I was one of them. But two faces i will live with forever in my mind is Grandparents'. seeing my grandmother lying her head in my Uncle Joey's chest was heartbreaking, and then seeing my grandfather do the same and kiss my uncle's forehead, it all seemed too much for a family to carry with them. I still do not understand how God can take away a child from a parent like this. Even though i will miss the sound of my Uncle Joey's voice and laugh, I know that he is with the angels and all those who have passed before him that my family misses and love. I wish that this was one giant nightmare, losing someone like an uncle of 47 is really hard for so many of us to deal with. i do hope this, i hope that people in my family become closer from this. i hope that they can see each-other and smile, i know thats what Tio Joey wants. I really dont know what else to write besides the fact that i miss my uncle joey already. i feel like its a dream; like he's going to walk into my house again and scream my name; and make fun of me for listening to the "bullshit boys" and "the f's on the block." I will forever remember our trip to Nantucket. Oh my goodness what a struggle! We got lost...very lost. lol. I remember my Dad and him joking around and how my dad told my tio joey to "shake a leg" when we were crossing the street and how my uncle joey stopped in the middle of the street and shook his leg. I remember apple picking with him and how he would totally start all the apple throwing fights. lol. i remember dancing around at my grandparents' house on Christmas Eves; all of the Birthday parties. and finally i remember how he told me to think of him as i sat on a bench just like he had and think of him. I love you Tio Joey and i hope to find a man half as good as you were.

Stay with me and guide me through everything, just like you always have. I will see you again some day, i know you are waiting for me at the gates of heaven.

Amanda [Or as you called me, "Amandwah"}

Just another day.....

"Boys are like stars, there are millions of them out there, bbut only one can make your dreams come true" 

*girly sigh* How true is that? VERY. I suppose tonight I feel lovey dovey and i have no idea why! I had a fairly good day with a lot of smiles and laughter...and hugs.  God i am SUCH a hugger! I have something inside of me that just loves loving people.  =) I do not plan on changing that anytime soon.  A part of me cannot wait for the day that I find that boy.... the boy who will love me for me and not try to change me...and will actually treat me like a PERSON.  I believe that there is no feeling in this world like the feeling of being loved....being touched...being held.....being loved.  Maybe one day i will feel these things......

Anyways, tonight i got to shoot videos of my friends and family talking about what they thought about me.  I told them to be blunt and honest and it was a lot funnier than i ever thought.  My friends and family both see me as "happy-go-lucky."  It mde me smile to hear that, but then again there is a lot more to ME then this happy-go-lucky girl...i think a lot of people forget that i know how to be serious.  ah well.....

I worked out HARD this morning right before Donnie Wahlberg came on and "humped" all of us soldiers LOL.  I am a fool for that man!

R.I.P Grandpa (Happy Birthday Vovo)

What a way to begin a blog, with the letters "RIP" in the title. Today September 22 was suppose to be my Grandpa's birthday. He died last year on March 11, 2008; a dark day....very dark.  Darker that i could ever have imagined.  He was a man that I loved, but was cheated out of the chance to really know him. Growing up with "family" who did not wish to speak with you was a hard burden..espeically since i blamed myself.  I will never forget that day.  My First Communion. I was excited beyond belief knowing that I was doing something that my entire family was going to be there for, and for once, be proud of me.  PROUD. May 5, 1995 I was only 8 years old and wanted so much to be loved by my family. I wanted them to smile at the sight of me, i didn't want them to be ashamed of me......

I remember May 5, 1995 like it was only today. I remember my parents yelling about some things that I will not mention here, but i remember being confused. But like a good child i asked nothing and just smiled innocently as the banter carried on.  FINALLY i got to get dressed in my beautiful white communion dress.  God i LOVED that dress, and i knew my family was going to love it too. I was so excited to have my grandparents there with me. I even made little signs with their names sitting right next to my parents I....i was so excited. I remember getting in line at the church and peaking in to sneak in a smile to my family....i noticed that some people were not there.  My dad's parents..... I was confused and shook it off thinking, "well maybe they will be late..." I entered the church and saw tears in my mothers eyes, i smiled at her happily.  Little did I know that this was only the beginning of 12 long years of not seeing my grandparents.....i adored them. I wanted to badly to be loved and accepted by THEM just like my other cousins seemed to be.  After the communion my parents took me aside to tell me that they loved me but my grandparents were not coming.  I remember seeing the despair in my fathers eyes as he looked down at me. He knew how badly I wanted my family there...he knew the love that i was looking for that only THEY could fill......What could my parents have done? Nothing. At the reception i ate very little, staring at the door hoping and praying that THEY would come in and tell me that they loved me.....it didnt happen. I was crushed. I felt so abandoned and alone.  Yes i had the rest of my family, but not the two people that I needed to be there.  They left me.  I blamed myself for years, and i, to this day carry this pain and resentment inside of me.  If i couldnt be loved by own family, how could anyone else love me? Who else was going to leave me? Who else would think that I was not good enough?  For a young child i was very much aware of questions such as these...and i wanted answers.

I would ask for them occasionally, and would cry at the very sight of any picture of them.  Especially around the holidays.  No pain that i had measured to the pain my father had though.  I saw it in his eyes, and even now, on days like today i see that pain.  He loved his father, but was cheated out on special time with him.  Time that he will never get back.  We LUCKILY spoke to them again before my Grandfather died last year.  I had all of about two years with him...not enough time to make up anything.  That is another day i remember march 12, 2006....Seeing them for the first time in so many years.  We were at the funeral home that I unknowingly at the time was going to be saying good-bye two years later to my grandfather. "God they look so old...especially Vovo..." I remember thinking to myself.  But i held my ground.  I was NOT going to go to them....My uncles and cousins tried to persuade me and i said no every time.  It hurt to even be in the same ROOM, how could I go talk to them? Nope, not going to happen! Then my father, a man who i would die for, came to the room where my cousins and uncles were pushing me.  My father turned to his brother and said "i will go see ma and dad if my daughter comes with me..." I SAW the desperation in his eyes as he looked at me, then at his mother and father.  How could i say no?  I couldnt. I sighed and nodded and walked into the quiet room.  i stood close by father fighting back tears.  my father then said "Hi Ma...Hi Dad"  Tears filled my eyes but i was not going to cry in front of them....NO WAY.  They looked at my father in shock and then looked over at me.  I saw the pain in their eyes, especially my grandpa.  I knew then and there that he was sorry.  Tears fell down his beautiful blue eyes and said, "My Manda.....my angel face." I hadnt heard him say that to me since i was a child and missed it so much.  My heart broke as he cried looking up at me, waiting for a hug or anything from me.  I bit my lip and knelt down and hugged him.  His whole body shook under me as my grandmother rubbed my back saying "manda, manda.." I was so sad that i had lost all of these years, but i knew, now that i had them back...i was never letting go.  Especially my Vovo....I knew how sad he was that day....i will never forget his adorable face that looks a lot like mine. I loved him...and i knew then that he loved me......

The day before he died i sat next to him.  He had his eyes closed and was totally out of it.  I knew i was going to lose this man that i JUST got back.  I was JUST starting to get to KNOW him....how could God take him away already? It wasnt fair! And I was ANGRY. I was alone in his room not wanting to leave his side and he opened his blue eyes and looked at me.  I jumped at the touch of his fragile hand on mine.  He gripped my hand not letting go, I asked him what it was he needed to say.  He could NOT look away from me and I saw tears falling down his face as he held on to my hand, and i cried along with him placing my head on his chest.  He touched my head and kissed me.  "I love you Manda...and please forgive me.." i looked up at him and nodded he then pointed to the ceiling which i knew he was talking about Heaven.  He was letting me know that he was always going to be with me...and i know he is.  I miss him.  I miss him so much.  I miss this man that i hardly got to know.  and YES i am still angry...YES i cry for him, i cried for him a lot today.....even right now as i finally write the way i feel...looking for an outlet to get all of this out.  a place where no one can judge me.  

So I thank you for reading all of this.  But NOW maybe you see why I am the way I am.  I live my life with a lot of love, I have lost so much.  Not only my grandpa, but my best friend, my uncle joey.  It will be his 10 month anniversary of his death......that will be a long blog that day.  Yes we all lose the ones we love, but i was suppose to be the "strong" one.  I was the one that my family looked to for support as they grieved, I need my turn too. 

I will end this blog on a positive note: love those who are with you NOW.  Do not wait until tomorrow to settle that fight, or to tell someone you love them.  Do it and say it NOW while you still can.....We live our lives one day at a time, do not let a moment pass without realizing that.  REALIZE that anyone can be taken away at any point in time...we do not get to decide, it is a mystery.  Its our mystery of life.....so PLEASE live your life with love and smiles.  I do, every single day, and i will not stop doing just that....EVER.

happy birthday vovo, i love you and i do forgive you.....